We are moving towards the new year. We have had some years full of unbelievable highs and lows. Here’s to hoping for a new year with only highs.
Ever notice that when things aren’t going well – you think well it’ll be better tomorrow. Unfortunately, that isn’t always true but I think it helps me get through those bad days. I’m still not sure if writing this all out and posting it for anyone and everyone is the right thing for me – but since it’s unlikely that anyone will actually take the time to read through these posts I don’t think it’ll hurt.
I’m thinking that this will be a combination of getting out my feelings about the termination and the reasons that the termination didn’t seem like the end of the world – our son M.
Today is a really hard day – bottle everything for Christmas and it suddenly seems to explode, sometimes quiet messily. In fact I’m sitting here typing and crying as M is napping and husband is playing on his x-box. I reallllllly think I need to stop reading all those other blogs – but it let’s me know I’m not the only one out there, that everyone’s situation is different and might be worse than yours. It’s also hard because nobody ever mentions Baby A, it’s like the whole world except for me has moved on. It’s only been 2 months – but the only ones who met her were myself, my husband and my mom – and I’m so afraid she will be forgotten and that is likely one of the main reason I started this and will continue.
I’ve recently started reading blogs and I’m hoping that this will help me keep things together. It’s been 2 months since we said goodbye to our daughter. She had been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and she would have a check next to almost every box for all the physical signs of this condition based on the ultrasounds: choroid plexus cysts (check), hypoplastic left heart syndrome (check), diaphragmatic hernia (check), clenched fists (check), something wrong with her feet (check) and likely other things but those are what stuck in my mind. We read stories online and many people did carry to term – but with her list of problems and the likely scenario that she wouldn’t even make it to term we made the very difficult decision to terminate.
I guess that is the main reason for starting this blog – I wanted it known that she was very much wanted and loved and will never be forgotten.