Yesterday was Ava’s birthday – my husband and I got up early to watch the sunrise.  The morning she born we had an amazing sunrise and we have now decided that this will be an annual event, we can do it anywhere and it will be a nice reminder.  The day itself wasn’t bad but it did make me think – losing Ava was very hard but I know we made the right decision and the loss has helped make me the person I am today.  The loss made me realize how much I love my husband and son (and baby to be).  I also dropped out of my PhD program and it was the right decision for me.

A couple we met at our loss group brought dinner over last night and stayed to play some games – it was a nice distraction and we are very thankful to have met them.



Oct 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  This time last year I was reading blogs about termination for medical reasons and that’s how I first became aware of this day.  It’s kind of sad to think about what this day means and also the fact that it isn’t really acknowledged by most people.  I mean you listen to the radio in the morning and they talk about how today is ice cream day or some other silly day but no one seems to want to talk about Oct 15th.  For those of us that have experienced loss it is always with us but it is nice to have a day when that loss is acknowledged.

Oh – and an update for those of you who have read my previous posts.  A follow up ultrasound has shown that my cervix length hasn’t changed so hopefully it’s just that my cervix is naturally short.  However, I wasn’t very impressed with the hospital.  As part of giving birth at the hospital you are required to fill out a questionnaire there were two questions I answered that apparently threw up a red flag:

  1. Do you has concerns about your children’s safety?  My answer not sure, because although I don’t really have any specific fears of course I have fears as I think most parents do.  However, they are specifically asking about abuse which the question didn’t make clear at all.
  2. Do you have fears about this pregnancy?  My answer yes, I terminated my last pregnancy due to T18, had two episodes of bleeding (at 11 and 13 weeks) and I’m currently in the hospital to receive steroid shots in case of premature labour.  The nurse asked about my response and her comment was that this baby doesn’t have T18 so I shouldn’t have these fears.  I couldn’t answer her.  Not only that but I think most people have some fears about pregnancy – even if they have never experienced loss and everything is going well.

I think they need to rethink this questionnaire.

32 weeks

So we had the 32 week ultrasound yesterday and had a surprise – she is in a frank breech position with her butt sitting right on my cervix and using the placenta as a pillow (so no good pictures – although at one point she did have one eye peeking around which actually was rather disturbing looking), this normally isn’t a problem as she should have lots of time to move; however, my cervix was measuring short 1.8-2.5cm (depending on my position).  We met with the Dr. immediately after the ultrasound which we have always done and usually it’s a quick visit but this time she sent us to the hospital to be monitored for contractions and get steroid shots.  So a little shocking – even the Dr. seemed really surprised as my cervix was nice and long at 20 weeks and other than a sub chronic hemorrhage, which subsequently disappeared, everything has been good.

Fortunately everything seems fine – no contractions, very active baby – but it is nerve wracking, particularly since M. arrived VERY quickly.  I wasn’t feeling anything and the only reason we had gone into the hospital was because I thought my water broke – we arrived less than an hour after that and I was already 9 cm dilated and only started to feel contraction in the car, it’s only a 15 minute drive to the hospital.  So with her in the breech position this could be a problem – particularly in my case as her head is measuring bigger than her abdomen, not really a surprise as M. has a huge head (and K. and I do as well) he has always measured in the 90th percentile for head size.  But it means that her head might get stuck even if her body pass through with no problem.  The Dr. is going to call sometime today with my “schedule of appointments”, which is an unfortunate call back to our TMFR.  Also, my Dr. is leaving on Wednesday for 10 days and is only in the office on Mondays and Thursdays anyways, she likely not a big deal as they now have my info on file at the hospital and she mentioned getting me in to the high risk clinic there.  This is completely unexpected and I don’t think that it has really set in yet.  It’s also hard when they tell you to come in with any contractions but I honestly didn’t really feel anything with M. until I was very much into active labour so I’m a little afraid I’ll miss the signs.