I did it

I had been thinking about sharing Ava’s story – reading about other terminations for medical reasons was so helpful, it made me feel like I wasn’t alone.  When we firs got the news that Ava might have T18 I did what I’m sure almost everyone in my shoes has done I googled like crazy – but it was quickly apparent that most babies with this diagnosis do not fare well, so my search slowly converted to those who had terminated.  It was a relief to read stories where people make this heartbreaking decision but their life continues – changed, but eventually they reach a new normal.

I am changed, it would be impossible for this not to change someone, the changes can be small or they can be large.  This loss made me look at my life in a different way, I dropped out of my PhD program.  It was a hard decision.  I have always tried to please people and thought I would be letting everyone down and I did enjoy lots of it, but I wasn’t really happy.  It was the best decision for ME, not anyone else and I made the decision for me (although my family did play a role).  And I guess it was a good decision as after trying for months once I made the decision to quit I haven’t had a period since.

I’ve included the link to Ava’s story which I shared on the website Ending a Wanted Pregnancy, from which I read the stories obsessively prior to our termination:



Sunrise shortly after Ava was born


Stupid Cat

I will start be saying  I lour love our cats but sometimes I’m ready to boot them across the room.  The female cat is part Siamese and VERY loud – in fact when M was born K worked from home for a bit and when he would do meetings over the phone she would start meowing and everyone thought it was the baby!  With E she seems to like to wait until I finally get her to sleep and then start meowing, which wakes the baby and then I have to start all over.



M & E are actually napping at the same time!

Life is chugging along.  After hearing nothing from all my applications I finally had an interview this week and then got an invitation for a written exam – both ON THE SAME DAY.  I can’t believe that after hearing nothing for so long everything has to happen at once, but I guess all those federal departments are getting their budgets in order and deciding on staff requirements.  I think the interview went well, I hope it did as I think I would really like this job, but it was the first time I had an interview were all the questions were role play/hypothetical situations.  Plus if you’ve ever had a governmental (Canada) interview they are taking copious notes and not even looking at you most of the time.  I failed the written exam – you couldn’t use the internet and I didn’t really prepare as I was more worried about the interview.  Oh well, hopefully by the fall I will be gainfully employed in a job I enjoy.

I’ve decided that I should write more, surprisingly I find that I enjoy it, plus this way I (hopefully) will have a reminder of all the little things.

  • M has an new friend: his pal the ghost Bob, fortunately he is friendly but apparently he is the one who smeared the boogers across Ms face the other morning
  • We got E a Bumbo chair and she LOVES IT, it’s great because she can sit up and watch us.  She always wants to be a part of everything.  We had gotten one for M but his thighs were too chunky and we had to return it.  Here’s to having an average baby.
  • E is almost turning over, she can easily roll onto her side but doesn’t seem to be able to get any further, her pesky arm gets in the way and then she looks like a cute little pretzel.
  • E is still getting up one to two times a night to feed and she still will not take a bottle.
  • K has taught M how to shake hands and say “How do you do Sir?”, of course he really doesn’t understand genders so I’m hoping he does it to my mom.

And to finish here is a photo of E’s cute little feet.



5 months

Baby girl is now 5 months old!  At times it seems like she just arrived but it also seems like she’s been a part of our family forever – sometimes I feel both at the same time.  She is much more interactive now and drooling up a storm.  Everyone asks if she’s teething but if she’s like her brother we have months of drool with no teeth (and then they all seem to appear together).  She ins’t rolling over yet – but she’s soooo close, I think she realizes that if she goes over just a bit more she will end up on her tummy, which she really doesn’t like – we both hate tummy time.  Although that is getting better now that she can hold up her head well.  She also doesn’t like to be held against your body – she wants to look out at the world, unfortunately this has started to become a problem when trying to breastfed her.  Speaking of feeding, we have tried her on a bottle and she HATES IT, she screams and screams and refuse to take that tasty milk.  We have tried different bottles and positions.  A lactation consultant suggested a sippy cup so that will be our next test – I keep putting it off, the breast is so easy and convenient (plus no screaming), but I can’t take much longer if I want surgery before I turn 40 – I feel old just writing that.

In other news I have an interview next week – it was nice to see that all those applications I have been filling out actually might lead somewhere.  While trying to prepare for this interview I get an e-mail about taking an on-line essay test for another job – on the SAME DAY.  After months of nothing happening it seems like a lot of the government jobs are now moving forward.  I’m just hoping that M & E will actually let me get some things done.