So many children do you have?

Always a difficult question after any loss.

I thought about this after one of my previous posts – 3 pregnancies and 2 live births, but that’s not quite true.  My first pregnancy was actually a chemical pregnancy.  It was over before it started, I actually haven’t ever told anyone  including my husband.  I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test but felt cramping like my period, so I guess I wanted reassurance from my Dr before I told my husband.  I saw her about 5 days later and the in office test was negative, she explained it was common and that was it – I started bleeding that night.  I had never even know something like a chemical pregnancy existed – I was aware of miscarriage in the way that it existed but no more than that.  Like seeing a unicorn – you never believe it will happen to you until it does happen.  I was lucky we hadn’t been trying for that long (I think it had been 4 months) and after reading a bit I realized how common miscarriage actually was and didn’t really think much more about it.  Although the next time I got that positive test I told my husband immediately :-).  So I have never really counted the chemical as a pregnancy and I guess this varies by person.  If it had happened after M I might count it – but I really didn’t know what I was losing.  But I have to admit when we learned about Ava’s condition I wondered why I hadn’t miscarried her.  I’m still amazed that her heartbeat was always regular and within normal limits with only half a heart.  She was so strong and I think that’s one reason I wish that there was a better way to acknowledge all types of loses.

But back to my original question.  I find I respond differently depending on the person asking the question.  At first I was much more open but after a few horrified stares or people trying to say they understand I became much more choosy about who I told.