I found this post in my drafts folder – I had completely forgotten about it. It was written in April before I started working.
The other day one of the ladies from my support group asked if I was still angry about my diagnosis, and, yes, yes I am.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop being angry and sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m angry about. But I think about all those ‘what if’s ….’ and get caught in a horrible loop. It doesn’t help that I basically sit at home alone most days. I also worry that I’ve passed this mutation to my children – my parents were 2/2 in that department and I’m terrified that it will be the same for us. And that’s another thing that bothers me – I had really hoped E would be a girl, I told people it was because I was comfortable with boys and we already had boys things, but a large part of me recognizes that this mutation although it can result in increased risk for certain cancers in men is nowhere near as problematic as it is for girls. Then I realize that I can’t imagine not having E and it makes me sad/angry that I even felt that way – that I should be ecstatic that she’s here and healthy and even if she has inherited my mutation that it won’t be a problem for years and that hopefully she will have better options than monitoring (which wouldn’t stop cancer but hopefully catch it early – and even that isn’t a guarantee) or surgery that will forever alter her body.
So it’s midnight the night before (or day of) my surgery to replace my expanders and I hope it’s the last surgery for awhile! I got good news today – my oncologist has kicked me to the curb and I hopefully will never have to see her again. I’m sure she feels the same 🙂
We told M this evening before bed that I was having surgery to get new boobs tomorrow and I might not be able to hug and play with him like normal. And unlike the previous times he was very clingy and kept getting up. I had hockey this evening so when he asked me what car I was taking I said I was taking daddy’s car – thinking he was asking about my hockey game. He informed me that I should take my car and when asked why he told me that that way I could get my new boobs faster as it was a faster car. He’s right that it is a faster car but it doesn’t work like that. He also proceeded to hug my “squishy” stomach and poke my “hard” boobs. Hopefully he and E will be ok with grandma for 2 nights – particularly as everyone (including my mom) is fighting a cold.
I finally feel like I have a few minutes to myself.
We are all still getting used to the new routine – the kids are still hard to wake up during the week but of course they get up early on the weekends. My mom took the kids overnight and it was wonderful. My husband and I wandered a few stores, bought some stuff (and some of it was actually for us!), got Swiss chalet to go and watched A WHOLE movie without interruption. E hasn’t been sleeping well this week so it was the first night all week we actually sat down together without children around.
I’m glad to be working, but it’s been hard on everyone – no meals on the table at the end of day means we haven’t been eating very healthy. We should start actually planning out the meals for the week but we never seem to get around to it.
Surgery is in just over a week to have these tissue expanders replaced with implants and I can’t wait – it will be almost one year to the day of the ultrasound that resulted in the breast cancer diagnosis. The expanders for the most part aren’t horrible, but hugging is uncomfortable and for some weird reason my armpits are sore in the mornings. And I might actually be able to see my arm pits when I shave which would be really nice.
And I actually have hair now – complete with chemo curl! I’m actually thinking of getting it cut as I now get bed head.
So I’ve finished my first week at work! I forgot how hard it is to stick to a schedule – actually it’s not really the schedule (which is best for me), but having the kids up so early. I have to be out the door by 7:15 and the kids are used to getting up around 8. So they are getting up almost 2 hours earlier and don’t want to go to bed earlier, this results in grumpy children. Hopefully we will soon fall into a good routine – we ate a lot of pizza this past week and it doesn’t help that I’m not “supposed” to be lifting. I really didn’t last long with that restriction, although I’m leaving most lifting for K I’ve been getting E out of her crib in the mornings and then holding her hands as she walks. I have my follow up appointment this week and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she will lift that restriction (and let me have a bath). It would be easier if E would walk more, but she’s getting better every day. It is funny to watch her walk. She likes opening and closing her hands as she walks and she was refusing to walk on any floor that wasn’t carpet for a bit. We only have carpeting in the upstairs hallway and she’d go into her room and immediately freeze and start complaining!
I start work in a week! It’s hard to believe and it’s going to be a huge adjustment for all of us. I’ll need to be out the door by 7:10 – for reference the kids got up at 8 this morning. So I will be setting my alarm for 6 and will need to get the kids up by 6:30 at the latest. My husband will also need to change his routine as he will exclusively have drop off and pick up duty – I’ll be on the bus for about 2.5 hours a day. It’s cheaper and easier to take the bus, although it’ll take about twice as long as driving myself.
So for now I’m trying to organize the house a bit. We have so much stuff and we are awful about getting rid of it. Plus I have no idea about my clothes – I’ve been a grad student / mom for so long that I have to really dig through my clothes to find business attire. Unfortunately, I don’t think jeans and jogging pants are suitable!
E has finally takes a few steps by herself. Although most of the time when we stand her up so reaches for your hands, then complains when you don’t grab her outstretched hands and eventually just gets down to crawl to where she wants to go.
So I’m back home from my salpingo-ophorectomy. I had the first time slot so I had to be there at 6:30 – don’t you just love it when they tell you to be somewhere, so you make sure you’re there in plenty of time and then the office isn’t even open. My mom dropped me off so K could get up with the kids, who actually slept in this morning.
Things went well, the Dr said everything looked good and she didn’t see anything concerning (and also told me I had small ovaries – although maybe I dreamed that). Fortunately I didn’t feel as sick from the anesthesia this time and I’m not in much pain. For anyone with abdominal surgery, take a note that they inflate your belly with air to make things easier to visualize. However, although they release as much air as possible some still remains and it’s quite uncomfortable. In fact, I have pain up in my shoulder blades. This is common as the air presses on the diagram and is known as refereed pain. Also they froze the areas they inserted the equipment and removed the tissue so I will likely feel that later. Overall, as of this moment I feel much better than after the mastectomy.
It’s been three months since I finished chemo! In some ways it feels like much longer, but in others much closer.
I had a follow-up with my oncologist yesterday and everything looks good and I won’t see her until the fall. At that time if nothing has happened ill graduate from her practice and hope I never see her again. I have also officially finished my expander fills. We are hoping to schedule the swap surgery for the end of August – this should give me time to recover from my oopherectomy which is next Thursday!
For mother’s day my mom and I participated in the Breast Cancer Society of Canada Mother’s Day Walk – we raised over $3000! I would like to thank all the people who supported us. Breast cancer research makes mother’s days moments like the photo below possible.
I was able to cuddle with my sleepy little girl, who preceded to eat more than her older brother.